Went to that entertainment centre again. This time not just with my brother, but also with one of his colleagues, which also happens to be someone I went to school with a million years ago. We didn't do any 'catching up' up though. He wasn't much of a talker. Thank god for that, because I really didn't feel like talking. It was a little weird with his colleague being there. I didn't like it. Not sure why.

Anyways, I won a little over 150 euro (the jackpot even!) at the casino and I only spent about 15 euro. That was cool :-D Cheered me up a bit. We had junk food for dinner at my brother's favorite snack bar and then went to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Plenty of action mixed with witty humor. I liked it. Of course, Brat Pitt and Angelina Jolie ... I have yet to see a bad movie with either of them in it.

I think I'm moving upwards on the emotional wave again. Up and down and up and down. Every time the low point is a little bit lower. It's so incredibly exhausting. The small cuts on my left wrist are healing pretty quickly. I didn't think it would hurt as much as it did; it was sort of a burning sensation. It's funny how depression makes me focus. It makes me focus on possible ways to hurt myself and I realize that's pretty twisted, but hey, at least I'm focusing on something.

Every time I'm really really down I feel like throwing myself over the edge. I still always seem to find reasons not to though. There was something on TV yesterday or the day before. A father talked about his son who killed himself. It was the grief of the father that struck me. I've thought about all of it a million times.

I have pretty much all the details down. Not good, I know. It doesn't matter though. However much I hurt inside, it'll never be enough to make me do something that can't be ... undone. Something I can't take back. I simply can't do that to my family.

Being torn apart like that really messes me up good. Unless something happens that turns my life around, I imagine I'll be one of those people left with nothing but regrets and what-ifs on their deathbed. With my luck I'll probably live to be a hundred too.

Well I suppose that leaves me with plenty of time to get this life thing right.