My weekend was alright I suppose. I spent my entire Saturday afternoon sitting on the couch thinking gloomy thoughts. Well no, I also chased the cats around for a bit, because I wanted some company. Sunday was better. My brother and I went to the entertainment centre where I was gloomy up until I won a 100 euro at the casino.

My parents met up with us at the entertainment centre and we had dinner there, because it was my brother's birthday last week. The food was surprisingly tasty. Not what you'd expect at a place like that. We went bowling afterwards. I was a little worried about my wrists, because they're kinda weak and RSI-ed. I was surprised they didn't start to hurt. I did pick the bowling ball weighing the least. Smart me.

Hmm, I still haven't bought my brother any gift and I don't think I have time to go out and buy something this week either. I don't know what to get him anyway. I wanted to buy him a book about drawing, but he told me hasn't drawn anything for a while. I could just give him a card with some cold hard cash in it, but that feels lame. I have to buy a gift for L's birthday as well and I have no clue what to get her either. And it's also mom's birthday next week ... ack, I'm going crazy!

Monday and Tuesday ... math. I actually understood a little bit of the stuff that was covered on Tuesday. I have another math test tomorrow. I'll probably manage to do a little better then last time, but not well enough for it make any difference. I need to score at least 55 percent and there's no way I'll manage that. Oh well, at least I scored 84 percent on that other test for the programming course. I should've done better though, but I didn't really study for it. I haven't studied for tomorrow either.

I read an interesting article in the Spits (free newspaper) about depression. It was an article about two girls and how they handled depression. One of them had a chemical imbalance so she couldn't really help it. I wonder if I suffer from something like that too. That would mean I'd have to take pills for the rest of my life. Bleh.

Anyway, lots of stuff I recognized. Especially the part about being completely paralyzed and just spending entire days laying in bed or sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing, but talking to yourself inside your head. Telling yourself there's really no point in living, because you don't have anything or anyone to live for anyway. No ambitions, nothing you want to do with your life. Then you tell yourself you shouldn't think like that and try to think of things and people important enough to stick around for. It's so exhausting and you end up just doing the bare minimum so the people around you don't worry about you and don't ask any questions. But that's exactly what you want them to do ... ask questions. Questions you can't brush off with an "I'm just having a bad day. I'll be ok."

Inside the dark and empty place that is my mind I scream, but there isn't even an echo. There's just endless nothingness and I'm sinking away in it a little deeper every day.

I'm taking my brother to this event (studiebeurs) on Saturday where almost every school in the country presents itself and you can get information and ask questions. He'll travel to my room in the city on Friday and sleep over. That'll be interesting. He wants to go back to school, because he's unhappy with his job. It's not exactly a job you'd want to do for the rest of your life, so I can understand that. That got me thinking. I'm having second thoughts about my whole master idea. Again. I'm thinking about switching to my second choice, which I could do at the same university. I don't know.

Then again ... I'll probably end up failing that stupid math course and that'll be the end of everything. Well ok, I don't know that for sure, but still. Then I'd have to find a job and I'll be forced to face some sort of a future. Just doing the bare minimum will no longer be possible.

Of course there's always door number 2 that leads away from all this crap to whatever is next.

Come on now, that's crazy talk. You're just being dramatic.

Shut up. Just ... shut ... up.