Ugh. It's all going downhill again. My parents aren't being very supportive of anything I undertake. Every time looking for a job creeps into the conversation I get nothing but lectures. I've actually begun to take steps to learn some things I need to learn in order get a shot at the kind of internship/job I want, but if I'm doing something other then applying for a job it's wrong. I tried to make them understand that I need a portfolio, something I can show to people and say "Here's what I can do," but they don't listen.

I've fled to my room in the city, but spending all my time alone isn't doing me much good of course. I have a new series of scratches to celebrate that fact. The pain isn't calming me down as much as before.

Tomorrow I'm meeting up with LC again. I have to pick up my coat and she has the day off so it made sense we'd hang out. I was going to treat her to dinner, but she canceled without giving a reason. My mind has been craving for restaurant quality food. I haven't been taking very good care of myself food wise. We're still going to hang out, just not going out for dinner. I wonder if I did something wrong. I can't think of anything. Is she giving up on me too or am I just being paranoid?

She keeps pushing me to call this girl I met at her birthday party. Remember her? The first girl I ever asked for a phone number. I've been sitting on it for way too long now. I know she has complained to LC at least once about the fact I haven't called yet. I keep going back and forth between calling and not calling.

I think we clicked at the birthday party so I feel I should move ahead with clear yet subtle romantic intensions. I don't think I could cope with just another friend. They continue to disappoint me. Well that may be to harsh, but I can't help feel what I feel. Or is that just making up excuses for my own social ineptitude?

I feel like blocking everybody out again. I feel worthless and unwanted and I'm not entirely sure the latter is completely unjustified. I don't feel part of this world and I can't remember ever feeling otherwise. Maybe when I was younger. Too young to remember. Me being here, living, breathing, feels somehow wrong, like a mistake, something that needs to be corrected or undone.

It doesn't feel like I can go on much longer without the mistake that I feel I am being corrected, wiped out, erased, undone. Of course I've told myself that over a million times and I'm still here. Still alive. Still breathing.