I didn't pass their standardized test, so I didn't even get to the interviewing part of the day. I already had a feeling I wasn't doing well while I was doing the test. One part of the test consisted of having to fill in the missing number in a series of numbers. Basically that math course I had to take in university all over again. I'm not good with numbers and apparently I'm a slow abstract thinker too. That was another part of the test I didn't do very well on.

When the lady who was guiding me through the process showed me my test results I wasn't surprised I didn't pass it though. The test was for HBO/VWO people. Although I do have a HBO diploma, I don't have a VWO diploma. Instead I have a MAVO diploma, which is like two levels down from VWO. Basically what that means is that I don't have the type of brain required for the job. I'm a bit slower than people educated on a VWO level.

At least I got to wear my suit to a formal occasion for the first time. I also found out that the other pair of shoes I bought to go with my suit is pretty comfortable; unlike the first pair I tried and unfortunately also bought. I think my feet are telling me I should ritually burn those even though they look better.

All things considered I don't think I want to work at a big company like that anyway. Everything sounded great and interesting, but in the end it's not what I want to do. Apparently the thing I want to do is only done at small and medium sized companies.

So I guess it's back to plan B, where I read some more books and work on my portfolio. I could probably get tested at another couple of those big companies, but I think the result will be the same. At least I got some mints, pens and a cool mug out of my visit to that job market.

I sort of freaked out a bit while on the train home. The usual thoughts of feeling worthless and anxious about my future and how everything would be so much easier if I didn't have to deal with life. They're still lingering in the back of my mind while I'm writing this, but I know what they are. They are insecurities and fears I can smother with positive thinking.

It's pretty shitty that it's in my nature to think the worst about myself and the world. People who aren't like that must have such an easy life. I actually have to make a conscious effort 24/7 to think positive and push the negative thoughts away so they don't have a bad effect on me.

It's pretty exhausting at times. I guess I won't be buying that TV from my previous entry any time soon ;-)