I finally worked up the courage to contact the temp agency. I emailed them that I wouldn’t be able to do anything till next week. I received an automated reply telling me the person I was emailing wasn’t going to be back till next week. Well, that worked itself out quite nicely. Never mind the fact that having to work up the courage to contact a temp agency with some lame excuse that you’re still sick just to get out of an interview is completely ridiculous. But hey, welcome to my universe.

As of today I am completely moved. That is to say most of my stuff is still very much in boxes, but I have a bed, my computer is set up and most importantly, my TV is connected to my computer. So I can now watch my beloved anime and other TV series I download again. Unfortunately I can’t actually download anything, because my brother’s Internet subscription has a data transfer limit and we used a huge chunk of that to get his computer set up with software we needed to download. Sigh.

By the way, when I wrote “completely moved”, I do mean completely. Mom wanted all my stuff out of the house. None of this half assed moving and still storing stuff at my parents and having a place to sleep. No, this time I had to go all the way. I think it’s their way of saying “move the fuck on with your life already”.

Dad also put his two cents in. When he’s had one to many to drink he does this thing where he gets brutally honest. You get what he thinks of things completely unfiltered. It’s rather unpleasant. He told me to get my shit off of my parent’s computer. Apparently moving all my physical belongings wasn’t enough, I had to move all my virtual ones as well. He also told me to get a job already and that if I ran out of money he’d kick me out of brother’s house and I could go live on the street. He repeated that a couple of times to make sure I got the message.

I hate it when he gets like that. He’s right of course, but every time he gets like that I get the feeling that I’m a complete disappointment to him, which is what I probably am to both my parents right now. Of course my mom would never say something like that, but I can read between the lines.

I’m not entirely convinced my brother is still happy about me moving in with him. He’s sending a clear vibe that he’s not happy with the situation. Mom picked up on it too and she thought this was a good idea too, but now she’s starting to worry. I think it will work out, but I really have to keep reminding myself to give him his space and letting him tell me when he wants to hang out together.

Moving took a lot out of me. I’ve been really depressed this whole week. I was well on my way to adding a couple of lines to my skin. It’s just that today was really busy with the Internet being installed and me moving the last of my stuff. I didn’t really have time to think.

Of course I want to get a job. It’s just that I don’t feel I can do anything. That kinda gets in the way of going out and looking for a job. Yeah yeah, of course I can do something. I know that, but knowing it and really believing it are two completely different things.

What really gets me down is that I had all these hopes, dreams and ideas about what I was going to do with my life, but then everything started turning to shit three years ago and I can’t seem to get back to where I was. I am where I swore I’d never be. All the things I said I’d never do I’ve done. I’ve effectively taken the wrong turn at every single important turning point.

Doing a great project for the final course. I barely managed to pass the course and I even got a bad mark. Just not bad enough that it’d be a problem, but still. My final project was going to be super and I was going to earn money with it. Again, I barely managed to get my diploma. I still can’t believe they let me pass with the crap I turned in. Getting a great job once I was done with school. Didn’t happen.Having a nice place to live in the big city. Didn’t happen either of course. Despite all of that I was determined to get a couple of small projects done to build my portfolio. Well I’ve managed to completely screw up every chance I got so far.

I was never going to be some unemployed loser and I sure as hell wasn’t ever going to move back to my hometown.

Sayings things like that and then ending up doing the exact opposite … no wonder nobody takes me seriously anymore. I don’t even take me seriously anymore.

What a fucking joke.